


Blue's Clues

by cupkakfrosting



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Universe, Confusion, Depression, Everyone is OOC sorry, Gen, Language, Sad, Self Confidence Issues, Self Harm, Self-Esteem Issues, Some Swearing, Tags May Change, eventually, ill add more tags as stuff happens, lance doesn't believe in himself, lance is depressed, mystery-ish, takes place before season 3 I guess, you'll see - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-19
Updated: 2017-11-24
Packaged: 2018-11-16 01:23:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11243376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cupkakfrosting/pseuds/cupkakfrosting
Summary: Lance wasn’t happy. Blue could tell. It had been easy to tell, starting from day one. It had always been there.Lance feels shitty. Stuff happens.Un beta'd. Written at 3 am. Will edit at some point and fix mistakes, sorry in advance. Also everyone's OOC.(the title is a double meaning, one is about the Blue Lion knowing things, the other is about clues for the blues, aka depression)(other weird stuff happens, too, idek)





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings for depression and self harm. Please be careful what you read!
> 
> (If you need help please please please get help, there is help available! Take care of yourself! Call. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines)
> 
> Enjoy!

Lance wasn’t happy. Blue could tell. It had been easy to tell, starting from day one. It had always been there. But it confused her. It wasn’t as if Lance was always dismal. Some days he was; she could smell if the moment he woke up. It filled up the entire castle, his scent of despair. Blue had a hard time discerning it. It was… murky, to a sense. His thoughts seemed muddied, and he seemed both warmer and colder simultaneously. Blue couldn’t make total sense of it. The entire thing felt off. She felt like there was a dark presence in her paladin.  


But what worried her more were the other days. The other days besides the okay days. The other days… the days when the blue paladin wasn’t sad, but rather, he was… empty. That was the way both Blue and Lance himself would describe it. He would wake up and know right away it would be a bad day. Worse than the sad days. Because on the empty days, those were the days he would say stupid shit, like pop a terrible joke, or take a sly comment too far. On those days he always hoped it would be the kind where he can’t crack a smile, let alone a shitty joke, but that had its downsides, too. When he was empty and quiet, the team noticed. They asked questions. They came too close to the truth.  


The other reason, the far more important reason, that Lance hated the empty days, was because that’s when he’d be so much more likely to retreat to his bathroom late at night and bloody up dozens of rags, which he has to sneak into the laundry rooms.  


It’s hard to say Lance hated those days. Because when those days were happening, he loved the feeling it gave him, the rush of warmth as he bled out. But the next morning, he would always feel terrible and regret it. It helped in the moment, but afterwards, it never felt right. Lance knew he should stop, and Blue knew, too. The mornings she would smell blood, she would always purr words of kindness and love. Lance appreciated it, but it made him a bit more self-conscious.  


He was smart enough to not do anything to the obvious and visible places, like his wrist. He would steer clear of anywhere the others might spot anything. He never wanted them to know anything about it. He thought he could handle it.  


The day it happened, Blue was the first to sense his calls of distress, pain, and… content.  


...  
Leading Up to the Day, 2 Weeks before:

It started out a pretty bad week for Lance. The first day he was ok, in terms of feelings. When he blinked open his eyes in the morning, he yawned and glaced at the clock time before nearly jumping out of his skin. The door had just slammed open without notice, and Keith stood in the doorway, arm on the door, breathing hard. Lance scrambled up, still in his underwear but fear rising in his chest, and ran into the bathroom. Keith interpreted it as Lance not wanting to leave, but Lance, heart beating out of his chest, closed the door to his bathroom and sighed, eyeing the bandages and scars on his exposed legs and stomach. Too close.  


“Lance,” Keith grumbled through his door, kicking it once, shifting his weight. “Lance, you were supposed to be up two hours ago for training.” He sounded annoyed. _Of course he’s annoyed, what else is there to feel towards me?_  


“Lance!”  


“What, Keith? I’ll be down in five minutes, okay? Leave me alone.” Lance really needed to change his bandages before training, otherwise he might reopen his wounds and he definitely didn’t need that happening in front of everyone.  


Lance heard a scoff on the other side of the door. “Alright, Lance. But if you’re not there in five minutes, just know that Allura promised to force you to do the invisible maze again. So hurry up, I don’t wanna be stuck doing that again with you.” His footsteps sounded, making the floor creak, and his bedroom door shut.  


Lance stood for another moment before jumping into action, grabbing his first aid kit, and changing his bandages in record time. Having done it so many times, he thought he had it down perfectly, so he rushed a bit to finish quickly and head down to the training deck. He splashed his face with water, threw his clothes on, snagged his jacket from the closet, and ran out the door.  


Everyone else was already there and looked irritated when he finally ran in. They’d been waiting for him, and they were annoyed. _Of course they are, you idiot._  


“Where have you been, Lance? This is the third time this month!” Allura said, turning around and tapping her foot, arms crossed.  


“I--,” he started, but she cut him off.  


“Nevermind, it’s fine,” Allura said, waving her hand. “Maybe it’s best we didn’t know. Anyways, let’s begin. While you were sleeping,” she eyed him, “the rest of the paladins had breakfast, which you don’t get, and started on the next level for training, but we had to stop because you weren’t here.” Lance’s mouth turned down a bit. _They… didn’t realize I was missing until two hours later. They didn’t bother getting me until just now._  


Allura was still talking. “Since you missed a level” _because you forgot about me_ “you’ll have to stay after training so you can make it up.” She blinked and glared at him. “Are you listening, Lance?” she rolled her eyes, not waiting for a reply, and walked off to stand with Coran so they could start training.  


The rest of the paladins gave him looks and didn’t say a word. _Oh god, they’re pissed. They’re gonna hate me even more than they already did._ Pidge, Hunk, and Keith each walked by him, wielding their bayards, taking a stance, and readying for the training to begin. Only Shiro stopped to talk to him.  


“Lance.” Shiro touched his shoulder, and Lance turned expecting a warm gaze, but a bitter and cold one met his eyes instead. “Lance, you need to start taking this seriously. If you can’t then I’ll have no choice but to escort you and personally wake you up everyday. If this happens again…,” he left it at that and walked by him, shoulders brushing. Lance stood in shock for a second before coming to his senses enough to take his place with the team, but standing in the back of the formation and staying multiple more feet away from the other paladins than usual. No one noticed, or at least, no one said anything. _It’s not my fault. Not this time, and not the other times. Those were bad days. And today my alarm honestly just didn’t go off. It’s not my fault… but maybe it is. If I was just stronger, then none of this would happen. It_ is _my fault, of course it is._ His eyes bristled with the beginning of tears, but he blinked them away. He needed to focus. There was the sound, ringing through the room, that signaled the training session had started. Everyone was moving around him, a blur of motion. He had no idea what was going on. He had spaced out for a moment too long. He just swung his gun around, swiveling, looking for a target.  


Before he could take in his surroundings, a bot bolted towards him, wielding its sword with a swish, and took an eager slash at him. Lance stumbled backwards, not having enough time to shoot it, and winced, waiting for the blow. When it hit, the breath was knocked out of him. It hurt way more than he expected, but the force of the bot was probably higher because of the higher level. His eyes widened in shock and he fell back onto the hard floor. _Shit!_ It hurt way too much for it to be just the bot’s doing. The bot wouldn’t have caused such sharp pain, and it definitely wouldn’t have caused the warm blood flow he could feel on his stomach and dripping down his legs, too. The bot had reopened his wounds, old and new. And the ones from a few nights ago…. Lance’s head hit the ground, and he winced and made a soundless scream. He was starting to get light headed, and his vision was getting darker. _Oh shit, oh shit, how the fuck am I supposed to explain this?!_  


Lace wrapped his arms around his stomach, trying to apply pressure, and wondering if anyone had taken any notice of him. He stayed there, writhing on the floor, for what seemed like hours, too weak to cry out for help. _No one cares, anyway. If I died right here, no one would care. No one._  


“Lance! What the fuck are you doing! Now is not the time for a nap! Get up!” Keith. Lance could hear the outrage in his voice. There was shuffling around him and he saw Coran looking down at him.  


“Are you well, young blue paladin?” _Is everyone blind? Or stupid? Or both?_  


“I’m… fine.” Lace groaned, pulling himself up. He tried desperately to ignore the feeling of his clothes soaking through from his blood underneath his armor. He shook his head, trying to clear his vision. It didn’t work. He didn’t care He would be ok. He just needed to finish training and get away from everyone.  


He stumbled around during the training, barely participating, his movement incredibly slow. He can hear everyone yelling at him to get it together, bits and pieces about him not trying hard enough. After ten minutes, his body has had enough, and he collapsed, eyes rolling back, and fainted.  


…  


“Lance!” he heard his name multiple times from multiple people, but when he finally woke up, it’s Shiro looking down at him, a concerned look on his face. The rest of the paladins were there as well, and Allura and Coran look at him, puzzled. He was still on the floor.  


“Dude, what happened?” Hunk gave him a confused and troubled look. Pidge looked worried, too. Keith just looked away when Lance glanced at him. “Did a bot hit you real hard or something?” he started pulling off his armor to see what happened and Lance tried to stop him, but he winced and fell back down. He heard audible gasps and Allura demanded “How did that happen? Lance!” _She doesn't even sound worried. She’s just mad. I need a lie. Quick._  


“Um… nothing.” Allura glared him. “Ok, ok. Um. During our um our last mission, I--, there was--, I um I didn’t report a wound because it was pretty small and it wasn’t super big so I thought it would be fine, but I guess the bot reopened it when--”  


“An unreported wound?! Lance, are you an idiot? You are, Lance.” _I am_. “You could have died, it could have been serious! Don’t you understand your place, your role in the universe? You can’t be so irresponsible and arrogant about injuries!” Allura’s voice was well past a yell by now. “You know what Lance, since you thought you could take care of this wound yourself, just return to your rooms. You don’t need the healing pod. You don’t _deserve_ it.” _I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve anything._ “Leave. You can make up your training sessions tomorrow. _LEAVE_ , Lance.” She stood up and stormed off, Coran rushing after her, glancing back at Lance once.  


Everyone was stunned in place. No one knew what to say. Finally, Lance broke the silence and said “ok, well, bye guys.” No one protested when he sagged away to his room. They broke off and continued the training session. _No one cares._ Lance’s mouth turned down even more.  


…  


Once in the safety and security of his bathroom, Lance finally let the seams break and let his heart tear out of his chest. Hot tears ran down his cheeks and he slump on the floor, head on his knees. His sobs shook him violently, and he cursed his stupidity. He rushed too much this morning, he put his bandages on wrong. Taking a deep breath, he ripped off his clothes and examined the bandages. Sure enough, he didn’t make them tight enough and he didn’t stick them together correctly at the end, either. He unwrapped the bandages in frustration and tried his best to clean up the blood. But before that, he took his rags and dug into his skin some more. _Why not? It’s not like it makes much of a difference._  


Once his blood and his tears had dried, he took a look at the time, and knowing it was lunch time, he decided to hole up in his room. He didn’t want to have to face anyone so soon. They wouldn’t miss him, anyway. It was fine. He could live skipping a second meal. His stomach growled, protesting, but he didn’t care. That was end of that consideration.  


Lance spent the rest of the day lying on his bed and thinking about what his “friends” said to him, how they reacted. He overanalyzed and he didn’t care. He didn’t notice when the minutes turned to hours and fell asleep, missing dinner, too. His body just wanted time to try to fix itself. Lance would never let it finish.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, if anyone was looking for this. (life happened a lot.. no time or motivation, either)  
> Still need to edit, but I'll put it up anyway.  
> Sorry for mistakes or inconsistencies; comment them if you like.  
> Hope you enjoy!

Leading Up to the Day, 1 Week and 6 Days Before:  


Blue sensed something was different. She always tried to smell Lance’s emotions throughout the entire day, to gauge when things go wrong so she could reassure him later on, to figure out what went wrong and how she could help him. In the morning he seemed alright, but a couple hours later, Blue was awoken by the sharp scent of pain and fear. And then quickly followed by guilt, followed again by more pain. So when Lance snuck to her hanger in the middle of the night, she knew she was right.  


She awoke from the sounds of his light footsteps echoing in the castle; he was the only one awake. She noted his quick heart rate, and panic rose throughout her when she thought she heard a slight limp in his step. Her mind raced, worrying about her Paladin and hoping she could calm him enough for a good night’s sleep; she knew he had had many restless nights recently.  
It was only a few dobashes until Lance emerged into Blue’s view. He was limping slightly, but broke into a stumbled run when he spotted Blue. Wiping his red eyes with his sleeve and clearly having held back tears for too long, he collapsed at Blue’s paws immediately, beginning to sob violently, his whole body shaking.  


Blue focused all her energy on conveying thoughts of love, warmth, and comfort to Lance, purring and leaning her head closer to him.  


_Lance, my Paladin. Please, love, what happened?_ Blue asked softly.  


Lance sniffed, slowing his breathing down to a point where he could talk. He took a deep breath and looked up at Blue.  


“I… I’m sorry, Blue, I just…,” he wiped his nose on his sleeve and shook his head. “I know I have role in the world, to be a part of Voltron, to save people. But right now….” Lance buried his head in his arms and curled up closer to Blue’s paw. Through tears streaming down his face, he croaked out, “I don’t want to live anymore, Blue. It’s too much for me. I’ve been holding this back for years, before Voltron, before the Garrison. But it’s getting worse. I can’t do it anymore, pretending I’m just fine.” He continued sobbing and Blue did her best to comfort him. But it wouldn’t be enough, not with the time to come.  


…  


In the Morning, 1 Week and 6 Days before:  


Lance had spent the whole night with Blue, talking over his feelings, as cliche as it sounded. He fell into a comfortable sleep at her paw, wishing for the world to disappear, but his dreams were interrupted by a gentle nudge. Blue woke him up an hour before the rest of the castle was up so he could trudge back to his rooms and get ready for the day. Lace was grateful but still sighed waking up from his sleep. He smiled up at Blue sadly.  


“Thanks, girl. I really needed that.” He staggered up on his feet, lazily brushing his hair back with his hand. _Time to go back to hell._  


Lance waved goodbye to Blue, turning his back and walking away, with Blue watching him, concerned.  


He tried his best to get back to his room quietly, but he stumbled a few times on his way, wincing each time his shoes squeaked against the floor. _Almost there…_  


“Lance.” He jumped out of his skin and had to stop himself from yelping. He plastered on a smile and pivoted on his heels.  


In front of him stood a rather angry looking Allura, arms crossed once again, staring him down. “What are you doing?”  


“Um,” Lance stood up straighter and tried not to fidget with the hem of his shirt. “Going… to bed?” Allura stared at him for a moment. She gave a quick look at her watch.  


“Lance. It’s one Earth hour until you’re meant to be up. You’re not in pajamas, either. Really Lance, what are you doing up?”  


Lance had no way out, no thoughtful excuse. He had no idea what to say.  


“I.. Allura, really, it’s nothing-- can I just go back to bed, p-please?” He winced at how weak and tired and broken down he sounded; his voice reflected how he felt.  


Allura keep looking at him but Lance really couldn’t figure out what kind of look she was giving. So he just stood there, waiting for her to respond.  


“You know what, Lance? No.” Lance stared at her in disbelief. “You missed part of training yesterday. And well, since you’re already up, why don’t you just start early today to catch up?  


Actually, nevermind, that’s not a question. That’s exactly what you’re going to do. Head down to the training deck. Now.” She pointed a finger in the direction of the training deck and waited, saying nothing else.  


Lance was still shocked but took a step. “O-- Okay, alright. I-- see you-- see you at breakfast, then?”  


“No. You will stay at the training deck and work until the rest of the team arrives, after their breakfast. That way, you’ll make up for the two hours you slept in yesterday. Perfect.” She kept up with the stone-cold look and there was nothing Lance could do but continue. He turned the corner and saw Allura, in the corner of his eye, still looking at him.  


_God, Allura. I just have to hope my bandages are enough for the whole day.. And I guess I should be thankful. Three meals missed. It’s justified. It’s good for me._  


Lance started believing his thoughts. He kept climbing deeper into the same hole he was stuck in for forever, years ago. He thought he had escaped completely, with therapy and medicine. But he hadn’t. It was just a slow return into darkness.  


…  


The training room was cold and dark when he got there. It made Lance’s skin rise.  


“Lights.” The bright light contrasted the dim hallway lights so he winced slightly, raising his hand to cover his face. This was when he realized he didn’t think to go back to get his armor. _Stupid._ Whatever. He could just fight in his regular clothes. _Who cares about armor? It doesn’t matter if I get a little more scratched up._  


He didn’t have his bayard either, so he took a spare sword from the weapons room and took a stance in the middle of the training deck. He was already beginning to breathe heavily.  


“Begin training sequence… 48.” Lance knew. He knew that was 10 levels higher than where the team left off. He didn’t care. _Allura wants me to fight? To practice? I will._  


The lights dimmed and he heard the first bot make a clank when it landed on the deck.  


…  


Lance had been fighting. Nonstop. For almost two hours. He was sweating and gasping and slashing furiously at the bots. He knew this was practically a death sentence, choosing such a high level, especially without his armor. He knew he would begin to regret this.  


Lance kept fighting. His thoughts kept drawing him down, keeping him from yelling out to end the simulation. But he didn’t. He kept being told, over and over again… _This is okay. You deserve any pain that will come out of this. Don’t worry. It won’t matter. No one will care, anyway. It’s fine. Everything’s fine._ And of course, Lance believed everything. He was so tired, so hungry, his mind wasn’t strong enough to try to fight back. His body was just done of suffering silently. He began yelling and screaming while his arms shook violently from the lack of energy but he didn’t care anymore.  


But not caring made him not realize two things.  


One… he was wounded in so many places. He had so many rushes of adrenaline that it seemed to cover up any hormones that were meant to tell him “pain, pain, you’re in so much pain, you’re losing blood, so much blood.” And that was what was happening. Blood was running down his body and soaking his clothes, more than even the blood he had drawn just the other night. The robots kept attacking and Lance paid no attention to the flashing lights warning him of breaking protocol with not wearing armor. He still didn’t back down, even though blood and energy was being sapped out of him so quickly, he was going to pass out soon.  


But another thing he missed while in his trance, something so important, yet completely scanned over by Lance’s tired brain… The paladins. He didn’t notice when they arrived at the training deck. They had evidently finished eating breakfast and had come down to train.  


They stood. They watched. And they did absolutely nothing.  


…  


Lance noticed. He eventually noticed. His body’s screams of protest finally reached his brain. He stumbled. His sword dropped with a clatter. Heavy breathing, fast heart rate, he was on the verge of collapsing. A broken cry ripped from his throat. “Stop-- Stop the training simulation.” He fell to his knees and tried to catch his breath, with no luck yet.  


He came to realize his face was wet. _Tears? Blood? Both?_  


The sword provided his reflection. _Both. God, I need to get cleaned up before anyone sees me… oh god. It’s been a while. What if-- oh no, they’re already here…._  


Lance’s eyes had snapped up to the observation deck. His eyes widened, kept widening, and he put his hands to cover his bloody body. He closed his eyes and braced for the impact of sound rumbling through him, of the paladins and Allura yelling at him about how stupid he was and asking how he could be such an idiot and why he did that and….  


Nothing happened. Lance slowly raised his head. They had been there for longer than he thought…. _They would have said something. Is this the end of the line? Do they really not care about me anymore? Well… of course not. But still… I thought they cared just the tiniest amount…. They yell at me about how they need me to save the universe… what changed? I guess I’m really just not worth their concern anymore…_  


Lance really couldn’t believe what was happening. He stood up as slowly as he could, still pressing his hands against his practically shredded clothes in attempt to stop the blood flow. He looked directly into everyone’s eyes, but they were so eerie… they didn’t move. Lance didn’t even think he saw them blink. He was beginning to get confused. Holograms? He didn’t think so…  


Lance took painful steps toward the exit door, limping the whole way and planning an excuse if the rest of the crew decided to take notice of him.  


The moment he touched the door handle, he heard sounds above him. He whipped around and stared in disbelief and his so-called “team.”  


“All right, paladins. It’s time we started training today.” The rest of the paladins began shifting around, getting bayards and fixing their hair, getting ready for the training simulations.  


“Unfortunately, it seems as if Lance has decided to yet again skip out on training.” She snorted. “He even defied my direct order to train early this morning. Rather unbelievable.” Keith blew a strand of hair out of his face while readjusting his armor. “He probably went back to his room to sleep or put on a face mask or something. Seriously Allura, you need to show him some discipline. You too, Shiro. Knock some sense into him, because none of this is a joke.” Hunk and Pidge nodded along to what he said.  


“Yea, Shiro,” Hunk added. “Like, Lance, he’s my friend, my BFF, but he really needs to understand the situation and stop making everything a joke. There are people’s lives at stake.”  


“Yup. Sometimes I think he really needs to grow up; he’s really immature a lot of the time,” Pidge remarked. Shiro sighed.  


“I know you’re all right about this. I’ll see what I can say to him today at lunch.” Allura took a step forward, but her face softened.  


“And if he doesn’t come down to lunch we all have permission to bust his door down because there was no one in the kitchen after us, and he really does need to eat, especially once we whip him into proper shape. I think he’ll be fine, but for now he’s just a smidge too juvenile, but I’m sure he can change.” At that, the paladins all nodded and then headed down the observation deck to train.  


That was Lance’s cue to get the hell out of there.  


…  


_What the hell was that??_ Lance was jogging as fast as he could to get to his room without leaving a trail of blood, hoping desperately not to run into Coran along the way. _One minute, they don’t give a damn about me, and the next, they’re acting like they actually care?? What’s going on? Is this a prank? I was within earshot? I hope that wasn’t a sick prank. God, they’re terrible. Maybe I’m finally just going crazy._  


Lane slipped while turning a corner and flailed his arms around a bit before regaining his balance and continuing his trek. His whole body seemed to be crying with despair and he almost yelped with joy when he reached his corridor. He slid to a stop and fiddled with the keypad before it finally opened. He quickly closed the door behind him and immediately collapsed on the carpeted floor, closing his eyes. _Oh, I hope Allura doesn’t murder me at lunch. I did train. I have to prove it. I didn’t ignore her orders. But then again, why would they believe me? There’s nothing inherently good about me to make me trustworthy. I shouldn’t get my hopes up._  


Lance didn’t move for a good twenty minutes. When he finally decided to get up, he groaned and dragged himself sluggishly over to the bathroom. He really needed to clean dress his wounds. He may have wanted to die, but he didn’t want to leave because of a robot beating the crap out of him and getting some weird space infection. He wanted to leave on his own accord; in his own way.  


Lance picked up his bottle of rubbing alcohol, opening the cap and pouring it onto a cotton swab. Carefully, he removed his clothing covering his wounds, lowered the cotton swab, and braced himself.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you!  
> If you enjoyed (or didn't), drop a comment.  
> Feedback is always appreciated!  
> (sorry if this is a repeat of the other notes thing, ao3 formatting is still new to me)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! All comments and feedback is appreciated.  
> (please do not repost my work without my permission.)  
> I hope you enjoyed!


End file.
